Disclaimer

Voice recording of my blog:

In a session with a supervisor I said that I kept wanting to write a self-development book but for every statement or suggestion I wrote I felt I had to create a small disclaimer because for every single piece of research, fact or data available there are exemptions and outliers and it felt near impossible to write this book. My supervisor jokingly said I should call my book 'Disclaimer' - and so, I am slowly (very slowly) working on the self-development book called 'Disclaimer - the anti-self-help self-help book". 

Similarly, I've been encouraged by people to set up as an autism specialist and I've spend years avoiding this term, even branding myself as an 'anti-expert' (I thought it was clever and an antidote to all the toxic 'experts' and fake gurus that are populating the internet) but a kind friend said it was a very negative statement that gave off conspiracy theory vibes, so I've dropped this term (with a lot of resistance). 

Likewise, I've been writing on my 'post-identification guide for late-realised, high-masking autistic adults' for a few years, getting nowhere fast and when I'm asked why I don't finish it I talk about my fears of getting things wrong, hurting someone or saying something I'll regret later and a wonderful friend said to me - why don't you just write that in the introduction? 

So, as I'm now promoting myself as someone who primarily works with late-realised, high-masking autistic adults based on nearly a decade of personal and professional experience and qualifications, I feel the need to make a disclaimer (or 6)!

(However - obviously - I looked the definition of 'disclaimer' up and it says that it's to make a statement denying something, especially responsibility, which totally rubs me the wrong way, so now I have to make a bloody disclaimer for my disclaimer!! 

Disclaimer 1: Responsibility

With everything I do, say and write I try to do so with care. I take responsibility were responsibility is due. I soul search if someone offers me any kind of feedback to attempt to uncover blind spots or biases. When I offer an opinion it's thought through otherwise I have no problems admitting that I don't know or haven't yet formed an opinion about the matter at hand. 

I'm, however, super imperfect just like everyone else. I get stuff wrong all the time. For me it's not about whether someone masters communication or language but about intent. But more so than that, intent based on what I consider good moral values - like consideration towards others, respectfulness of others, inclusion, equity, kindness, compassion and valuing other people's rights as well as a healthy dose of self-reflection (for example, am I projecting my own problems onto a person and holding someone else responsable for my insecurities?) 

Disclaimer 2: Biases and Blind Spots

I'm a cis-gendered female, middle-aged (when did that happen?), white, middle-class (theoretically - my bank account disagrees), European, somewhat queer (in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship with a cis-gendered male), privileged and educated, also known as a WEIRD person (from a Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich and Democratic society). This comes with its fair share of biases and blind spots. I'm trying my best to correct these and am always open to learning more but I cannot get around that I don't know what it's like to be a black person, growing up in America, or what it feels like to go through a gender transition or even fully relate to what it's like being a teen in this decade - there are many areas where I have cognitive empathy (I understand and relate logically) but I can't relate emotionally. There are also exceptions to this. For example, I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol but I can still - to some degree - emotionally relate to those dealing with substance misuse issues because I totally know what it feels like to want to numb and avoid certain feelings or memories, what it feels like to crave something to the extend of being addicted, or the lengths I'll go through to attain something that feels essential to me, even if it was illegal.  

And sometimes my not knowing works for some. I once worked with a BIPOC person, mainly about racism (I'm deliberately not stating their specific ethnic background for confidentiality reasons) and I asked why they wanted to work with me as a white person and they said it was because it felt healing to work with a white person who was doing her best to be aware of her internalised racism and who felt like an ally. 

Sometimes distance or ignorance around an issue can offer the needed therapeutic support as long as the therapist stays open, curious and respectful.

Disclaimer 3: Limitations

As a therapist it's actually not in the job description to understand everyone's problems on a cellular level. It's not even my job to know what autism means (which is why many neurotypical therapists believe it's not a problem to support autistic clients - though I do. There's a blog post about that coming in December 2024). Nor is it my job to know everything there is not know about... well, anything. 

Let me quickly explain some differences when it comes to the mental health profession:

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has specialised in mental health or rather, psychological conditions/mental health disorders. Many will have a medicalised and pathological view of humans. 

Psychologists can come in many forms and shapes like an educational psychologist, forensic psychologist or sports psychologist but here I'll focus on clinical psychologists who are trained in diagnosing people and work in many sectors dealing with mental health. Some have a medical view and others, like myself, believe in the 'Power Threat Meaning Framework' of 'what happened to you?' rather than 'what's wrong with you?'. 

Psychotherapists or counsellors primarily offer private therapy - and this is where it gets real tricky! Because there are over 450 recognised ways of conducting therapy and how the heck is a private person who doesn't work within this field supposed to navigate that when looking for a therapist? I'll try and cover that in a later post. But therapy is usually focused on talking - the client talking - and exploring feelings and thought patterns that are tripping them up or creating struggles or conflicts in their lives. Therapists are there to ask insightful questions to make you reflect on yourself and get an outside perspective that might open you up to seeing things differently and become aware of your own blind spots but they aren't there to give advice or offer solutions. So, in theory, we therapists need to know nothing about anything, except how to be great listeners and ask questions that make you reflect and change any behaviours you wish to change. 

We are supposed to be caring, respectful, accommodating, empathic, supportive, accepting, understanding and validating and to create a space were you feel safe to open up and share honestly and vulnerably, so if your therapist doesn't fit that bill, potentially consider finding a new one as in, if you're not feeling safe or understood and that's a problem. 

I once spoke to a therapist who said that the moment she felt comfortable in the company of her own therapist, she'd be looking for a new one. She believed feeling uncomfortable was an important part of doing good therapy. So, always, each to their own. There should be no judgement in what you prefer when it comes to therapy but you might not know that you have a right to seek the sort of support you want and that you don't have to endure anything you don't want - and I promise you, if you're dealing with a negative impact of going to therapy that's due to the relationship you have with your therapists, the problem isn't you and you shouldn't keep going because it's 'probably your fault' or you just 'need to give it more time'. And it might not be your therapists fault per se either, you might just be a poor match, much like when dating!

Therapy is just as much about your precious and limited time and financial investment as it is about exploring feelings and it's absolutely your prerogative to work with someone who is accommodating your needs. However, it's also very natural to feel a negative impact from going to therapy due to the issues being explored, meaning there's a difference between feeling uncomfortable in therapy because you're doing 'the work' (going deep, hitting on things that are triggering for you and so on) versus feeling uncomfortable because you're somehow fearful around your therapist or worried you'd be told off if you don't do therapy 'right'. There's a post coming about that in February 2025 (The Side-effects of Therapy). 

Sometimes the Big Magic of seeing an autistic or neurodivergent therapist as a late-realised autistic or neurodivergent person lies in being with someone who 'gets it' and not only accepts you for who and what you are you but normalises it. 

But let's get back on track...

I don't know everything there is to know about autism. It's a rapidly changing field and lots of research that we 'knew' was correct a few years back has been discredited. So, even what I think I might know, might turn out to be wrong. And furthermore, I can't be the expert of another human's lived experiences, needs, wants, fears and dreams. Part of therapy is allowing me into your life to learn through you and for me to be an outsider looking in, so I can ask questions or point things out that you haven't noticed yourself. I'm 10 years into this and I still can't find a good way to explain what therapy is or does as it's such an individual experience (I've, however, tried in my blog post 'What to Expect'). 

I'm not a magician and I can't guess what you're thinking. Nor do I sit and make assumptions about you based on your behaviours or words because it matches my Handbook of Human Psychology* - I'm not that clever (sorry).

Disclaimer 4: My Own Fears

What if I get it wrong? 

This is my biggest fear. 

What if I say or do or write the wrong thing? What if I hurt you? What if I've got a piece of research wrong? What if I miss something? What if I have an opinion now that turns out to be super problematic later when we learn more? What if I say, do or write something that will get me into trouble and I have a breakdown? How will I protect myself from undue criticism so I don't financially or mentally suffer? How will I manage to stay up-to-date with it all when I'm not paid to do research and I have a whole, autistic life to manage outside of sessions? What if I say something that isn't necessarily wrong but it rubs someone the wrong way and either I've ruined their day or they go on the attack and ruin mine? 

What if, what if, what if... I get it wrong? 

Disclaimer 5: Your Responsibility 

Actually, I'm bound to get it wrong especially with the way I work - with people's stories (also known as anecdotal evidence) - because it's less about academic research and statistics (but despite loving research and statistics, I know that so much of it is wrong or biased or lacking in some way). At the same time, I can't get it wrong because I'm working with people's stories and people's personal experiences are always valid even if others disagree with them. 

So, whatever I say, do or write, take what you need and leave the rest. 

You don't have to agree with me and I might offer things that turn out to be factually wrong at a later point but if it helped you today, now, then what's the harm? Because my intention is always to share positive, strenght-based, empowering and compassionate perspectives. However, what I share might not feel empowering for you because of where you're at on your journey. I can only pre-apologise because even if I stand by an opinion (such as the social model of disability) that doesn't mean I discount yours (if you believe in the medical model of disability - if you don't know the difference, there's a blog post coming about that soon) and I'll stay accepting, open and curious towards your way of viewing the world. I'm not here to force my ways upon you.

So, consider your responsibility - if I'm not for you, then perhaps find someone who is so you can find your tribe and feel validated rather than rejected. And if you feel you must correct me, consider your motivations before doing so (is it because I've used political incorrect words and I'm being discriminatory with my ignorance, for example, or do you just disagree and don't like that I don't share your personal opinion? What will you gain from correcting me? Is it of value to others or just you? Is it necessary? Is it thoughtful? 

Disclaimer 6: Accepting Imperfections

I'm a dyslexic, dyspraxic, autistic person (and have dyscalculia) - I'll make spelling and grammar mistakes, I'll sometimes be too overwhelmed to answer an email or I'll take extra time to send you promised resources. I'll mess up my words in a session and I'll commit other common human mistakes. 

I'm a flawed, perfectly imperfect person - and accepting that about myself have been one of the most healing things in my life, so it's my hope that you can offer me the same grace and acceptance. 

These disclaimers are not supposed to remove responsibility. If I get stuff wrong, do tell me - but feel free to be nice about it. I'm just a person, a sensitive person who strives to do my best. 

I'd love for us to feel like we're here for each other, helping each other grow and learn in a kind and supportive way. 

* Funny side-anekdote. Under 'Disclaimer 3: Limitations' I write that I don't match your behaviours up against The Handbook of Human Psychology to find the right answers to solve your problems. Ironically, that's why I wanted to be a psychologist when I was a child. 

Every summer I'd progress into a new class at school and we'd be given new, advancing books - a step up in maths, in English and (in my case) Danish and a new subject would be added - biology, geography, physics and so on. Each year, everything I needed to learn was in the books we were handed out. And so I concluded that once I got to university, I'd be given the book that would give me all the answers to whatever subject I decided to study. And that's kind of accurate. If you study law you're given the books that explain everything to do with law. If you study HR, you'll be given handbooks about HR and so on. 

And so, being a confused autistic child who didn't know she was autistic and finding people and the world super odd, I couldn't wait to get to university, choosing psychology and be given THE handbook of human behaviour and be able to look up (like a dictionary) all the answers to all the confusing behaviours humans display... 

I was 26 before I made it to university and though I knew better at that age I was still slightly disappointed to learn that this handbook doesn't exist and psychology has no idea why we do what we do, nor do therapists! If it was that easy, we probably wouldn't need psychologists and therapists because all the self-help books we've read would solve all our problems with simple solutions. 

So, this kind of circles back to all my disclaimers - we're all just flawed humans, muddling through life best as we can, trying to make sense of it and when it comes to the complexity of being human (even when it comes to something as established and 'evidence' based as medicine) we're doing everything based on the best theory we have at the moment. CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is used within the medical-based NHS (National Health Services in the UK) because it's the most evidence-based therapy. It's however, also highly problematic and have, literally, traumatised many clients, especially those belonging to marginalised groups, like autistics. Similarly, mental health disorders are diagnosed using an actual handbook (!) and yet, there are zero - actually zero - medical or biological markers for determining a mental health disorder. It's all just theories. And this is exactly why it isn't a therapists job to know anything about anything because we have no idea what's correct and what's just a convincing theory, such as the 'chemical imbalance' theory about anxiety and depression. It's widespread and runs deep in the minds of medical professionals as well as in the minds of the common population and there isn't one piece of research or data that has ever proven this theory to be true. 

So, the magic of therapy is sitting with another human being, being human together, and playing detectives to figure out what works for you.