(Oh man, I wrote a whole blog post - felt quite proud of it - and then pressed the wrong button and poof, it disappeared!)
I had a vision of writing a weekly blog post after launching my new website but as we're nearing the end of 2025 I feel there's a greater need for rest and restoration - even fitting in some boredom as that seems to supercharge my creativity, making me ready for a new year.
I take a month off over summer and over winter. Both for the sake of my mind but also for the sake of my clients, even though they don't always like it. But, ethically, it's healthy to allow people in therapy to have a break and offer them time and space to apply what they've learned in therapy - reducing reflective time and increasing the application of self-therapy (taking action) - as well as to notice within themselves if their need for support is still the same or whether it's time to change things.
For decades I identified as having S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but despite still dealing with a low mood in winter, lack of motivation, tiredness and sleeping 10 hours daily and the increase in dark thoughts, I no longer think of myself as having S.A.D.. Instead, I believe I have an inbuilt 'wintering' system that slows me down, ensuring I preserve energy.
Just think about it... When we evolved we lived in a very harsh and hostile environment. There were so many dangers all around us and that wasn't helped by winter when food sources would decrease, the darkness would make it near impossible to navigate the world for extended periods each day, the weather could kill us and so the best thing we could do was to go into hibernation as much as possible for humans.
Just because we don't live in as harsh or hostile times in 2024 doesn't mean our brains have evolved at the same pace as our society (in fact, our brains haven't changed a whole lot in 40.000 years whereas society has evolved and developed at a maddening rate since the industrial revolution), meaning, we live in an environment that isn't suited for our brains (this is obvious when we look at how stressed, overwhelmed, overstimulated, addicted and anxious - and how depressed - we are. This then leads to the debate as to whether we are 'mentally ill' when suffering from these conditions, or whether we're having a sane, rational and healthy reaction to unhealthy circumstances (also referred to as a 'normal reaction to abnormal circumstances').
In a Russian there's a city called Pskov and there the practice of 'lotska' occurred - a six month long slumber in winter due to food scarcity (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1117993/).
There are rapports from the 1950s of the Inuits sleeping 14 hours in winter.
And recent findings make fossil experts theorise that early humans, like the Neanderthals, did in fact hibernate akin to bears some 400.000 years ago (https://www.theguardian.com/science/2020/dec/20/early-humans-may-have-survived-the-harsh-winters-by-hibernating)
And actual modern day studies show that there are sleep difference in humans depending on the season, such as deeper REM sleep in winter than in spring, indicating that evolution did tinker with our sleep habits and evolution doesn't do anything by chance or for the fun of it.
In Denmark we have the concept 'hygge' - a form of cosiness that isn't easily translated or explained. It's a way of living. It's been simplified to wearing warm socks and lighting lots of candles and though that's indeed part of the practice of 'hygge', hygge is both a noun and adjective and a verb. Hygge is a noun (cosy), but you can also make something 'hyggeligt', making it an adjective ("isn't this just cosy (hyggeligt)") and you can 'hygge' together, making it a verb ("let's meet up and hygge (be cosy together)"). It's a cultural practice and identity and it's part of making winter hyggelig (cosy) - by enhancing our environment in an almost fairy tale way - lots of fairly lights, coming together to relax and enjoy things, keeping warm with socks, blankets and low lights and setting the mood with candles and tea and seasonal baked goods. It's the difference between making someone a cup of tea in the kitchen and bringing it to them versus the more Danish way of making a pot of tea and bringing in a pretty bowl with sugar, a mini jug with milk, pretty cups and a plated array of biscuits. Hygge is also in the presentation. And this hygge helps combat the harshness of winter.
But I digress - true Autism style - with cool info dumping!
I don't believe I have S.A.D. and I'm not sure other people do either (though it's NEVER for me to say what other people feel or how they want to identify their feelings). It seems to me that sleeping more in winter is a normal part of a healthy, human way of living. And when our 40.000 year old brain tells us that 'winter is coming' it'd make sense that there's a decrease in motivation - we must preserve energy for this deadly season (evolutionary). Is there a lowering of mood or just a less energetic way of being that we presume is a lowering of mood? When tired and unmotivated would it not make sense that we feel more grumpy when still having to do a 9-5 work shift, 5 days a week, and feel more irritable when the kids still need the same level of attention and care as in summer or that we want to slap our significant other when they're putting demands on you or that you want to scream at the idea of hanging out with the whole family over Christmas with all the noise, traditions to uphold, the rat race of dinner, presents and fake smiling? It all sound exhausting to me and the opposite of what our brains are craving - rest!
Ok, but even so, that doesn't explain the dark thoughts - maybe the suicidal thoughts - that creep in during winter. Surely, that's the definition of depression?
Sure - and again, I'm not denying anyone their right to identify their feelings in any way they want or feels real to them. I'm just saying that for me these dark thoughts are closely linked with a narrative of feeling 'not good enough' and the reason I used to feel not good enough was because I was less productive, because I had less energy for others, because I was grumpy and felt guilty for my change in moods, because I blamed myself and felt like a rubbish person for needing more sleep and lacking motivation. So, it wasn't some mystical force - or fog - that took over my life and made me 'depressed' but rather the narrative I carried about myself based on my natural state of wintering. And the lower my self-esteem, the worse the inner critic and the worse the inner critic, the more I felt like I didn't deserve to take up space in this world and people were better off without me in it. For me, these sorts of thoughts are very weather based. The can still happen in summer, during week long rain but happen far less frequently in bright sunshine, when I'm swimming in the sea or reading a book in the garden... (again, this is my narrative. You can absolutely be eating an ice cream on a beautiful Italian square while abroad and still think that life isn't worth living but then we're probably not talking S.A.D. which is my focus today).
How many of our dark thoughts are due to the narrative we have about our usefulness and worth as a person? Which is often impacted by our moods. A mood often impacted by the weather (and again, some people thrive in winter and in rain - hallelujah for human diversity! Just like there's a place for the morning lark and just as important space for the night owl, especially in tribal times when someone had to keep the fire alive during the night and keep watch and others were up 'catching the early worm').
So, no, I don't think I have S.A.D.
But I do believe I have an innate state of wintering and I'm lucky enough to be able to design my life around this need.
(Further theorising that S.A.D. is a normal part of evolution is the increase in bi-polar diagnoses in spring... Wouldn't that indicate that we have an inbuilt lowring of mood during winter because we're supposed to preserve energy (the sole purpose of our brains according to Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://open.spotify.com/episode/39rSBKWXS2xVBaxtxNSTqF) which Western doctors unsurprisingly pathologize, supported by the pharmaceutical companies (such as highlighted in this brilliant book), meanwhile once spring arrives it's essential for human surival (evolutionary) that we get pumped full of energy (hyper), perhaps believing our capabilities a bit higher than is realistic to get us out moving again after so many months of inactivity and slumber? (symptoms of bi-polar - the manic side: much more active and energetic, too self-confident, needing much less sleep, racing thoughts and behaviourisms, increase in impulsive behaviours, 'squirrel attention' (my rephrasing, not that of the medical profession who wants to make everything sound so negative!)
The sole purpose of a capitalist society is to make us feel not good enough. As long as we feel like we're failing we'll keep supporting the capitalist system by shopping, spending money on excessive food, alcohol, drugs, paying our way towards the capitalist status symbol of enoughness via impressive homes, cars, possessions and holidays. Even paying for therapy because you believe you're not good enough. The moment people feel they have enough and that they are enough and when people realise that the bar for having enough and feeling that you're enough is actually incredibly low and archivable, capitalism will fail and there are a lot of insanely rich people who do not want that. And that's why I say that self-compassion is a RADICAL and activism act! It's the antidote to capitalism and the pathologizing of humans and their emotional state (another great book about this is Empire of Normality by Robert Chapman - by the way, I share Amazon links because they're the most reliable links but I always urge people to shop locally and support either your library or your local book shop).
Now a little shift... Christmas.
For years I've been confused by my stance on Christmas.
I don't like it and I'd like to not celebrate it.
And yet, I'm the person with the Christmas earrings, the Christmas jumper and a home decked out in Christmas decorations and a fridge full of Christmas goodies.
Why??
Do I secretly like Christmas and don't want to admit it?
Recently I was introduced to the concept of 'dopamine decor' and it was one of those great 'aha' moments because I'm not a hoarder but I have a lot of stuff. And I'm not a minimalist but I don't like clutter. Even when I was a backpacker, I had to go buy 'stuff' whenever I stayed anywhere for more than a month - blankets, candles, cushions and silly knick-nacks (much to the annoyance of my then boyfriend but also, as a skint backpacker, it was a daft thing to do) - but now I know why. I was creating dopamine in my environment. Just like I do during Christmas. I hate Christmas songs and I hate how there's Christmas decorations in shops by October and yet, I'd happily have Christmas decorations in my home all year long - because it gives me dopamine!
But, yeah, I'm not a fan of Christmas. I don't like traditions, generally. Usually because they don't align with my values or make no sense (many of them are just so neurotypical) and I don't like lots of people coming together (generally) but especially not around holidays where everyone has an idea of the 'right' way of doing things and so many people seem to find it difficult to accommodate other people's needs. So, for years, I've happily spent it alone.
Christmas is a difficult time for a lot of people for various reasons and it's a marvellous time for others and it's a non-time for people who don't practice Christian holidays.
Whatever Christmas means to you, I hope you're able to listen to your needs, accommodate them and keep yourself safe, sane and regulated this Christmas.
And I hope, as we're moving further into winter that you're able to take care of yourself and honour whatever your internal system is needing.
And I know that this just isn't possible for a lot of people - but hope is what gets me through the world and I do hope the best for you!
Happy Winter Solstice
Teri
I'm back 'in the office' (at my desk) the 14th of January 2025. Feel free to book a session for after that date, or if you're wanting to start working with me, you can also book a free intro chat via this link: https://calendly.com/connect-neurostorycollective/session-with-teri
P.s. I'm dyslexic and for a long time that filled me with shame. I no longer feel ashamed of saying I'm dyslexic but I still struggled with being "caught" making spelling mistakes (not helped by all the grammar and spelling fanatics in this world). It wasn't until recently when I was writing a chapter about autistic masking that I realised that I was masking being dyslexic by trying to get as much help as possible to write error-free texts. So, if you come across a spelling or grammar mistake, I hope you'll smile because you've just seen me unmask in your company and I thank you for being a generous reader.