Working with Me - What to Expect

Below file is a recording of my blog

I work as a therapeutic-coach and mentor, in an eclectic, neuro-affirmative, strength-based, compassion-focused way, using psychoeducational means... but what exactly does all of that mean?

I hold a bachlors (BSc) and masters (MSc) in psychology and have always relied heavily on research, data and evidence to inform my understanding of myself, the world and others - something that's been challenged lately due to the many issues within psychological research (which I'll get to shortly).

I'm also a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist, as well as a qualified coach and coach supervisor and have a lot of experience facilitating workshops and group training. 

My therapy training was in something called 'Pluralistic Therapy' which is an integrative way of working, using multiple frameworks to tailor sessions after a client's needs rather than the therapist's authoritarian idea of what's right or wrong or best for the client. It's all about meeting you where you're at and doing my best to see the world through your eyes, respecting your unique perspectives. The eclectic part is about deriving knowledge from various schools of thought and using a broad range of resources. 

What's really important to me is to work in a neuro-affirmative way. 

The neurodiversity affirming principles are part of the neurodivergent movement (a human rights, disability and social movement) - to move towards honouring, celebrating and promoting neurodiversity rather than looking at neurodiversities as deficits or something to cure or fix. It's about making the people I work with feel safe and able to express their needs, whether that be needs from me and how we conduct sessions, or physical needs like moving around, engaging their hands with toys or using language that works for them (including swearing), or not using words but typing instead, and generally working in a positive, affirming and validating way, including anything else that makes the session a comfortable and safe place.

Language plays a huge role in a neuro-affirmative practice but it can be a tricky balance to use affirming language while also not excluding someone because I'm using unfamiliar terms. 

For example, I try not to use the word 'diagnosis' (though you're, of course, free to use whatever language you want). The word diagnosis belongs to the medical profession and is often used in a pathologizing way of "here's what's wrong with you". A diagnosis refers to an illness, disease, deficit or defect and we diagnose to be able to fix and cure.

When dealing with mental health or neuro-differences I work from the philosophy that there's nothing wrong with anybody, and, so, don't use the word diagnosis (it's still a very valid word when talking about cancer, for example).

Alternative words for finding out you're autistic could be realised, recognised, discovered, acknowledged or identified.

I, likewise, don't talk about 'special interests' but 'passions'. I don't talk about hyper-focus but flow state. I don't talk about high or low functioning and don't often use the words high or low support needs either but rather about one's level of masking/ability to mask. I'm actually not a big of a fan of the word masking either but haven't come up with a better one yet. I write much more about these linguistic choices in the blog post "What Does Neuro-Affirmative Mean? And Why Words Matter". 

The term strength-based is probably pretty self-exploratory but yet novel to many, both clients as well as mental health professional. We're focusing on what your strengths are and how to use your strengths to address and work on your struggles. There's a focus on what you can do to help yourself in the areas of life you find challenging and on what's right about your and what's going well.

Finally, there's the compassion-focused aspect. Again, the word isn't confusing in itself but, nevertheless, it's a complex concept to fully understand and an even harder to embrace or apply. 

Most of us neurodivergent people have a lot of internalised stigma and shame and this has created a loud and harsh inner critic/dialogue for most of us. To overcome this (if that's your aim) and to remove unhelpful or hindering beliefs or attitudes, we need to work with being kinder to ourselves and being more self-accepting and thus working on compassion.

Other methods I use are narrative therapy (what's the story you're telling yourself as well as externalising our problems. For example, you're not the problem, the problem is the problem), existential therapy (purpose, meaning, responsibility, identity, mortality, loneliness), positive psychology (what's right about you and what practical tools can help you move forward?), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) (accepting what's out of your control and commit to actions to change your situation), stoicism (a philosophy based on what do we have control over and what we don't and what can we do when we feel 'out of control'?), transactional analysis (TA) (looking at how our ego states impacts our interactions) nonviolent communication (a communication strategy/tool), a light sprinkle of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) (how do your thoughts impact your emotions and how do those two impact your behaviour) and psychodynamic therapy (how your childhood is shaping your current life including attachment theory). I also work through a systemic lens, referring both to the systemic issues at play in society, like racism, ableism, sexism and other discriminatory systems and holding people responsible for the change they want to see in the world. I believe that therapy is a political issue and politics do belong in the therapy room. Working systemically addresses how everything isn't purely 'our responsibility' and we can't always fix our problems alone - in many ways the opposite of what cognitive behaviour therapy focuses on - which means recognising that we're impacted by the systems and environments around us, while also, actually, taking responsibility for how we impact the world around us as well.  And, finally, I'm currently learning how to incorporate more creative ways of working as well as somatic therapy (body work/body awareness), as well as using EMDR tools (note, I won't be an EMDR practitioner but I'll be able to use tools from this framework as well).

But, what do we actually do together in a session? 

I've tried to answer this question in a succinct way for nearly a decade and I'm still struggling to do so. 

Not least because all of my sessions are so different, depending on who I'm working with. Despite the themes often being very similar, the way we work with things varies massively, depending on the individual's circumstances and values, whether that be the inner critic, shame, thriving, communication, loneliness, existential crises, relationship issues, low moods (depression), excessive worrying (anxiety), rumination, authenticity, burnout and other mental health problems or ways to live a more satisfying and happier life.

Practically speaking, we'll spend 60 minutes together via Google Meets (unless you live near me in Denmark and want a face-to-face session). 

I'll always start by asking something along the lines of: What would be a good focus today? 

This can confuse some people who think they need to have some sort of clear goal in mind. The focus can be anything from 'how do I advocate for myself at work?' to 'I just want to talk for an hour with no destination in mind'. You can come with a list of questions or you can see what pops up as we start talking. 

You can see me weekly, fortnightly, or any other frequency that works for you, both in terms of processing time as well as financially (because, let's not beat around the bush - private therapy is expensive, sadly! And even more so when this particular therapist lives in a very expensive country, with a very high tax bracket and the fee has to cover holiday and sick pay as well as all expenses like insurance or this website!)

I'm a trauma-informed therapist and everyone I've worked with are actively dealing with some level of trauma in their lives. However, I'm not a trauma specialist (yet), meaning I don't work directly with trauma and I don't offer trauma specific therapy like EMDR. 

If you're wanting to work directly with a past or current trauma, I suggest you find a specialist and that you're picky. Thriving Autistic has a great neurodivergent practitioner directory or I know a neurodivergent clinical psychologist who has spent the last few years becoming a highly trained trauma specialist with very reasonable fees, considering her level of expertise: https://mymindmytime.co.uk

Generally my focus is on how you can step into a new chapter of your life with more self-esteem, higher self-worth, more assurance in your rights and your voice, to become more secure in your identity and in knowing what you want (and don't want) in life and from others. How to move towards thriving. Sometimes this means spending a whole session focussing on the past to understand the patterns that trip you up in the here and now. Sometimes that means crying a lot while you talk about things you might not have talked about before, allowing yourself to be witnessed in your story. Everyone's journey is different and every session varies.

We're working together - collaboratively - to move you from where you are to where you would like to be - constantly, keeping in mind your neurotype and how your neurodivergence impacts your life. Much like going to the gym, I'm here to support you and guide you, but I can't do the heavy lifting for you. And much like having a personal trainer who you make a fitness plan with, talking about the plan isn't enough, you have to go and do the exercises in your own time, without me, if you want to see changes. Sometimes though, we're not ready to go to the "gym" and we have to do a lot of mental prep first. So don't worry if you come to our sessions and you feel like you haven't done enough, or anything, in between sessions. You will once you feel ready and able to. Sometimes our environment is working so hard against us that we have to take really small steps and that's ok too. As long as we have the right kind of expectations of each other - and you of my limitations - and as long as we keep working on hope. 

We've become a world obsessed with quick fixes and we're promised great things by the online gurus. So, let me tell you straight away that I've never been part of the quick fixes gang (not least because you're not a problem to fix; you're a person who can grow with loving support). The therapeutic process is - as daft as I'm about to sound - something magical. To be in the presence of another person and feel seen, heard, understood, accepted and validated is immensely healing. Far more healing than filling out a worksheet about 'faulty thinking patterns' or filling out a gratitude diary (though I'm a big fan of gratitude diaries! Not least because it's an excuse to buy yet another pretty notebook!!). To work with someone who wants the best for you and who you can be totally honest and upfront with can shift something in us that words can't explain. 

Finally, and very annoyingly, therapists won't tell you what to do. This isn't because we're not busting with ideas or haven't read every self-development book under the sun and a ton of academic books as well but because we know that what works for us might not work for you. But even more importantly, we know that we live in a world where everyone is eager to tell you how to live your life, whether it's your parents, friends, partner or the online world of "experts" and this is a your safe haven to figure things out for yourself and not have yet another person tell you how to be you.

Affirmingly, believing in your strengths, compassionately. 

This has, from time to time, caused frustration with the people I work with because I don't have a cheat-sheet for you, I don't have a ton of practical ways for you to 'fix' something and I don't have a magic wand. 

We're working together as detectives, trying to figure out what's going on underneath your consciousness (that which you're fully aware of) that's causing the discomfort you're wanting to work through. Self-improvement, whether physically or mentally, takes time, work, commitment and dedication and a lot of self-awareness. 

I sometimes refer to my process as the Triple-A Model. First we have to work on Awareness because you don't know what you don't know and we can't change what we don't know exists. Then Acceptance, which is how to be ok with the things we can't change and accept ourselves as we are to be able to move on. And finally, Action because you can't change through talking (just like you can't get fit by watching exercise videos). 

Often people want to jump straight to action and you can't do that either. Most of the work that happens in therapy is around the two first As and the last A can't happen until you've become really good at the first two and I can't do it for you, nor can a worksheet or 'practical' tips.

So, what actually happens in therapy is hard to explain because it's a deeply personal and individual experience and sometimes we just have to try it to find out.

(If you're considering working with me, might I suggest you read my 'Disclaimer' post to familiarise yourself with what I can and can't offer, while also - indirectly - telling you that you're allowed to make demands of your therapist. I recently had an introduction session with someone and it felt like I was being interviewed for a job and afterwards it occurred to me that I wish more people would do that because taking me on as your therapist is hiring me to do a job - a very important job - and, of course, you should find the best candidate to do so).

You can book a free introduction session with me HERE or by clicking the picture below.

Until next time, take care and know that you're worthy of respect and love. 

P.s. As a dyslexic person I won't catch all my mistakes. Please read generously and if you spot any mistakes, I hope you'll smile with kindness because I'm allowing myself to unmask my dyslexia in your company.